Friday, June 26, 2009

When the little hand catches the big hand

It's after midnight. Sirens fall away beyond my window. I'm a day away from turning 23.

This is where I'm at in my life. Some moments of excitement but...

Not the life I imagined.

The Problem with Dating Older Woman...

On the surface, age is not an issue when dating someone. You are as young (or old) as you feel. But there are some practical concerns; Like the internal clock for marriage and children.

I'm dating Airport Girl right now and in two days I turn 23 and we'll be separated by six years. She's on the cusp of wanting a family and setting down. She's planning on buying a house in the next several months. She's a real person.

I'm still pretending. I rent and don't own my furniture.

But I care deeply for her and the last time I saw her I made it clear, "I want to go steady. I want our relationship to be official and exclusive."

To say there was hesitation would be to understate. She wanted a couple days to think about it. I understand her concerns. I can predict what she'll tell me upon making her decision.

"I really like you but you're just so young. Can't we keep things the way they are?"

Well, fuck no we can't. And here's the reason. I would be waiting for her to cheat. I would become more intimate with her, more attached and she would be looking for a replacement.

What is the lines of communication is this situation? Does she tell me when she see's a cute guy? Or how about when he comes over to talk to her? Does she tell me when she gives out her phone number or when she picks up the phone after he calls. Does she tell me about a first date, a hug, a kiss? Does she tell me when she fucks him?

The truth is this: They are all the same. Each act is intent to cheat/replace/marry.

That's not a relationship. It's purgatory. I would become jealous and possessive and maybe try to fuck other girls, causing self loathing and equally resent her for the position I'm in.

So, if she gives the answer I think she will, what will then be my answer?

I hope she decides to give us a try. She won't regret it.